Man problems with a man who isn’t my man. already. mostly perpetrated by me and my quirks, but it’s like its so unnecessary and i feel like a lil bad. Soon i’ll just be at a point where I’m good with kibboshing the entire thing.
Mostly because when i ask you a weird question you shut down and push me a way. I don’t like that but then you’re not MY MAN you don’t have to deal with it. I don’t think its gonna happen again. I want it to.. but on MY terms which I don’t seem to be getting. Either i’m not getting the message across or you’re just saying no, and i’m missing it. I just don’t want to be in a fiasco and not know it.
Am I being dubious? I’m worried I am. I mean I told you it wasn’t going to be a fuck buddy situation, and when I say emotions i mean the negative ones I don’t wanna deal with that. Unfortunately no matter what relating to people will always have logistics that we need to figure out together. I mean we work when we’re talking about sex and stuff but i hate disorganized shit. Mostly cuz I have to adjust my expectations. Like I have to decide if I can deal with something or not. You too, and im sorry its not just an easy jump into bed sitch.
I’m jealous of those.
I dont want that with you. Really I can’t have that. My sexual attraction to you is different. its raw and there believe me but its based also on who you are. It’s not just a raw physical attraction. I don’t think I can achieve that with white boys. Like I want you. more than just the physical I want to know you mentally and cuddle and like you freely. I don’t wanna deal with my baggage, like I don’t want things to get too heavy. But that’s how I want to enjoy you. Here(puts hand to chest)
after our first encounter.. I feel bad asking you this. You’re soo freaked out and I don’t blame you. I’m hesitant myself because im worried this(gestures chin upward) gate is closed because of what I did and besides that as much as you say you’re open to what I want you’re not. You’re so distant. Its like you don’t enjoy my company at all. I annoy you already.
The best approach is to go with my gut. And my gut is telling me to end it. I suppose after the second time we hang out. Which will be freaking awesome(i just need to get out of my head) so that it’ll cushion the blow of me walking away( i mean the argument that will happen) You’ll protest only slightly. Which is fine because I understand you. But I just can’t kiss you anymore.
It feels good. so good.
*shrugs* This is me. I’m tired of hiding it and pretending its not and giving people what they want just so i can see them. I’d rather be alone again. Jeez. Am I gonna fuck up everything?